Day 5: Who Would I Be?

Hello again and welcome back to my 99 Days of Laughter blog. It has been almost a week now of trying to make Samantha laugh every day and trying to catch it on video. I am very quickly realizing that this blog is turning into something much more than a mission of laughter.

When I first started this blog, only a few days I ago, it was my mission to make Samantha laugh at least once a day. I figured that if I could do that than I was being a pretty darn good mom. It meant spending more time "being" with my daughter and enjoying watching her grow and experiencing life with her. The sound of her laughter is by far my most favorite thing in the entire world and to hear it every day is, unfortunately, not a luxury every parent has and something I need to appreciate more.

Today ended up being a great day, but started off in a quick downward spiral. After breakfast, which Samantha hated (blah to egg yolks), the fussies began. I'm not sure if she was upset with the egg yolks, cranky from the teething or fussy from being tired. Maybe it was all three but after holding her in my arms wrapped and cuddled tightly in a blanket with a soother in her mouth, I felt like I had a newborn all over again. She just would not sleep and proceeded to kick and scream and kick and scream. An hour and a half later and I was curled up in the rocking chair with her still in my arms rocking her, patting her and shushing her. She finally fell asleep...for five minutes.

During that five minutes of quiet, I began to think to myself who would I be without Samantha?

Before Samantha, I was a busy body. Always on the go, something to do, somewhere to be. If Samantha had never been born, I don't think I would ever be completely fulfilled. She has taught me so much about myself and about life.

I have learned patience. I have learned to be present. I have learned I am not perfect. Without Samantha, I would not have been a mother; I would not have been her mother and that is something I just cannot imagine. In honest truth, I don't want to know who I would have been without her.

Just as I finished appreciating her and her unknown knowledge she opened those big beautiful brown eyes and smiled at me. I couldn't help but to smile back and cry. She is my world and to not have her in it...well that is something I care not to think about. 

I want to think about new ways to make her smile! New ways to make her laugh! New ways to explore the world with her! But for now, I will hold her while she's small enough to do so and imagine who I will become with her.